April Showers....Bring May Flowers..?

 Chileeeee, I haven't been here in a whole 2 years. Crazy how life be LIFE-ing! 

Let's quickly catch up. In two years, I've moved, AGAIN, changed jobs AGAIN, worked on me A LOT, made new friends that I love dearly, traveled way more than I wanted to, but all in all, God has been providing for ya girl. 

I've had some anxiety leading up to this post because now, more than ever, my life is pretty loud.. I'm still getting use to it, quite frankly. And for it to be loud AND vulnerable, I don't know how that sits with me. But, we're here and one of my mottos for this year is to "ride the wave," so, thats exactly what I'm doing. 

I wanted to take a quick second to talk about planting the seed. April was CRAZY for me... I mean literally crazy. I was working on some major projects with my clients, I was in a different state for almost 3 weeks, I was on a plane every other week, and I was in a very emotional state. I felt heavy, honestly. It's so crazy because I remember when I prayed for the life I'm living, but I guess I expected it to feel better than it does. The good days are good, but the bad days... are BAD. The tears. The tears. But as I reflect over the month; the good, bad, and ugly, I was reminded of seeds being planted. 

What do you do when your life doesn't reflect God's promise yet?

I sat with the title "April Showers" for almost a month with the intent to talk about my mental & emotional state last month, but as May approached and the words began to come to me, I realized the title was to symbolize planting seeds and seeing the fruit. The rest of the phrase "April showers bring May flowers" came to mind and it made perfect sense. 

This is the most"uncertain" I've ever been in my entire life... and y'all have been rocking with me since the beginning; I'm pretty sure we've been here before lol. Seriously though, the last 6 months have completely rocked me. I was forced to jump into entrepreneurship (and I battle with the growing pains of it EVERY BLESSED DAY), my "routine perfect" life is nonexistent, for once in my life, I have no plan.... and if you know me, you know the struggle. Everyday, I wake up and I'm like "God what are we dong today?" Its so interesting because I'm learning this person.. I don't know who she is, but I am loving how light it is to just walk with God. Now is it hard? ABSOLUTELY. Frustrating as well, but He let me know I am in the process of planting the seeds of a prosperous life. I say all the time "IT HAS TO WORK" because why would YOU put me in such a vulnerable position and not bring me through it? Can't work like that! 

My close friend Gabi has our friend group reading Biblical based books this year (one a month) and they have been shifting my perspective of God and how He communicates with me. Our last book was about tearing down alters in our lives that may cause us to miss God. This specific book kept reminding me that when God creates something, He also creates an atmosphere to sustain it. I held on to that because it felt like April was a stretching month for me. God was asking me to do CRAZY things like get another place to live... Dude, what? But pruning is NOT punishment.... **deep sigh**

Most recently, I have been praying over my business and kinks I'm dealing with getting established, and literally this morning, God brought sowing to me. He told me I wasn't seeing what I wanted to because I wasn't sowing on the level I needed to. I'm learning to not respond in annoyance these days so I immediately set my tithes aside. Here I am thinking I'm doing above and beyond in this season, planting the seeds and things, but, no, baby, no. If I am expecting Him to "show me how good it can get" I have to show Him how much I am willing to put in to see it happen. I said all of this to say, when God analyzes a thing, he puts the entire microscope on it and it ALL has to shift. Not just the one thing we tend to focus on. 

These days, I'm just riding the wave. I'm open to receiving ALL God has for me and I'm taking one day at a time. I feel like I'm the closest to my best self, now more than ever. 

April showers.... Do they really bring May flowers? I guess we'll have to see. 

Lord, I know that life can be tough and unpredictable at times, but I trust that you will continue to provide for me in ways that only you can. Help me to navigate through the challenges with grace and strength, knowing that you are always by my side.

I ask that you bless the seeds that I am planting in my life. May they grow and flourish into beautiful fruits that reflect your love and glory. As I continue to work towards my goals and dreams, please give me the courage and determination to see them through.

Remind me always that where you give vision, you also give provision. Help me to trust in your plan and timing for my life, even when it doesn't make sense to me. I know that your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts are higher than my thoughts.

Thank you for being a constant source of love, support, and guidance. I pray that you continue to lead me on this journey and help me to fulfill the purpose that you have for me.

Amen.

It's the FEELS for me..

Today, I felt inferior... This is so rare because I usually take on any and everything (that interests me, of course LOL) BOLDLY, ok?! 

And today.... I just wasn't feeling capable of anything. So, I had to pull heavily on God to get me through. I was quickly reminded of my need to share this moment. You all signed up to go on this journey with me, so here it is. It is only Wednesday, and I have felt pulled in every direction this week alone. Not to mention my lack of mental and emotional capacity to even try and process what's happening in America... and I got word I lost a former colleague and friend yesterday. So here I am, sitting in my bedroom in complete silence looking for God to guide the "what's next" for me.  

When you see what I share, what you all see is my weakness exuded through God's strength, because I am JACKED UP! AT 26 years old, I often find myself having to re-learn everything I thought I knew, constantly changing my view of God, and often trying deep breathe my way through my uncomfortable-ness (and this is every day.) 

I've gotten to a point where all I can say is Thank you, Lord" each day because I have officially let go of the idea of where I'd want my life to be or see it being at this point. If "I am just here" was a person, that would be me.  

What can I do what You have given me, right now? 

I know what You promised me, and it's MAJOR. but I can't see the "how" to get there... I mean., if you want me to read The Alchemist again, just say that!  

Let me start from the beginning... At the end of 2020, I made a conscious effort to get to my "Heaven on earth" and I was going to do everything it took to get there.... And BEFORE 30. So I told God. It was very quickly after that God literally shook up my entire world. I mean, I was at a point where I was calling my therapist multiple times a day and finding myself sitting in parking lots just trying to gather my life. Y'all, people were trying me times infinity, hurting me in ways I didn't think were possible, I left my "dream" job with NO backup in the middle of pandemic while living on my own in Los Angeles, and somehow, I knew that I would be ok.... But, baby did it take a huge amount of prayer and meditation.  

Shortly after leaving my job, I was reminded by God that He had to release me because if He didn't, I would've stayed past my time. Because, now, I have NO choice but to trust that whatever is next is, its apart of His plan. In the last week alone, I have made leaps I thought I would never be able to make because the idea of safe always seems the sweetest.  

Simply with that, I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 

I lived most of my life playing it safe and asking God to make things easier for me. Like, God, you told me to move to LA, now you're telling me to leave my job?! Things are finally looking smooth, and you're telling me to speak to someone who hurt me?! What is thisssssssssss? 

All I kept hearing today in my spirit as I tried to not have an anxiety attack while also feeling like I wasn't good enough was "I got you, I got you." Because all I am is here.... Waiting to be used by God. Waiting for Him to tell me the next uncomfortable thing I have to confront. Waiting for Him to provide my next source of income or bring me in the right room, or bring the next person in my life to help me with the next step of my life. It's all spiritual. SO today in my weakness, I stand with so much strength in saying I don't know it all; and I never will. But what I do know is where I lack, His strength exudes and that no matter what phase I am in --- or feel like I am in, He knows all and His plans are so much greater than any I could ever make for myself.  

 

 

This is the raw unfiltered, unedited truth. And I stand boldly in it!  

 

 

Goodnight,  

bri <3 

 

Going Nowhere Fast...

Let's have a quick chat.. 

I am currently sitting on a plane headed back to Los Angeles after spending the weekend in Dallas. I thought that's what I needed. I was wrong. 

I am not going to lie, this quarantine has begun to teach me so much about myself, how I view and speak to myself, and to voice what is is that I truly need to get me through life as smoothly as possible. 

I had a week last week. A VERY ROUGH week. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally drained! I couldn't take it anymore so I packed my bags to be around my family. I thought I was coming to be around the people who love me, but in reality, I was escaping my thoughts and feelings. And with that being said, my anxiety got worse. I wasn't sleeping well, my memory started fading, my breathing was staggering, and every time I closed my eyes, my mind would race endlessly. What was happening? I felt like I was losing control of my life; all in one week. 

Literally. 

It was terrifying.

I think I am finally in the stage where I am seeing myself and accomplishments in a different light. Ever since childhood, I have always made it a goal to be the best at everything I attempted to do (except play an instrument) Top of my class, one of the greatest friends you could ever have, join the best sorority, move quickly up the career latter, the list goes on and on. But what good does any of that do if I can't see that spinning wheel I was on that I was slowly losing control of? I was watching last week's episode of 'Insecure' and it hit me really hard. What happens to those children who are super smart and talented in many things? Do we really become directionless adults? Why does it feel like it takes us forever to find our true place in the world and footing on solid ground? 

It caused me to really think of how I viewed success as validation and not as a true accomplishment. 

We don't get comfortable with anything because we know that it's just a stepping stone to where it is we are trying to go - and in many cases, we don't know where that is. So ultimately we have to ask ourselves are we going nowhere fast... 

Doesn't that kill the mood quickly?

I had to get centered. FAST! Take deep breaths and understand that I won't have control of every moment, but if I am honest with how I am feeling, I can assess what the next step will be and all I have to do is take the step, one at a time. 

 I am finally living the life that I love, and I refuse to let my anxiety get the best of me. 

Not today; not ever. 

Lord, I thank you for the quick reminder that You are ALWAYS faithful, and will provide for us everything we ask for. Including PEACE. Thank you for who You are and all You do! 

Amen 

Talk soon, 

Bri <3

Corona Thoughts...

Chile, let me just say I have missed you all. Life is blur most days, but today, I seem to have a little bit of clarity. Writing is always on my mind, but executing the action gets a tad tricky sometimes. Today, I just want to talk... So let's talk! 

I was doing my usual night time reflection last week when I decided to hop on Youtube to support a friend's music interview. In the interview, he said something that has stuck with me this entire week and made me look at this time of social distancing completely differently and ultimately sparked my desire to share on the blog. He said "I thought that it was so bogus that I was doing things FOR God but not WITH Him." And as soon as I heard that, I was like " DANG, YOU RIGHT!!!" 

I won't lie, I pride myself on being a busy bee and always staying occupied. I try to make sure I live a life that reflects God's goodness toward me, but what good does that do if I am always consumed in my busyness? This time of crisis has the entire world wondering what to do with their time. We rotate between social media apps for hours, have Zoom and FaceTime convos with loved ones, binge watch shows and movies, many like myself are working from the comfort of our own homes, and others are plotting their next move. 

But, where does God fit in this? 

I spent time after watching that interview in prayer and meditation to see what God was needing from me in this season, and I got a response; LOUD as day. He said "time." Cool. That's exactly what I did. In just a week, I have fallen in love with the simple things; like going for a walk, discovering new hobbies, and falling in love with talents I've sat on for a while.

Thats what I wanted to talk to you all about today. I want you to take a close look at the things God has blessed you with and ask yourself if they have gotten in the way of time with the BLESSER. In this season of uncertainty, I suggest you get in a quiet place, ask God what is He requesting of you in this time, get in your Word and get centered. You never know, your greatest blessing may be birthed by simply doing that. 

We have nowhere to go; you might as well. 

Here are some helpful tips for getting connected with God during corona isolation.

1. Be still 

Now is the PERFECT time to get in the presence of God. Finding a physical quiet place is helpful as well. Many of us want to know what is next for us - what's on the other side of this thing? Once we get back in the streets, things are going to be different. Your current way of doing things won't work and you will need to be prepared to embrace changes from all sides. 

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10 

The Lord  will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:14

We can't expect Him to do His thing if we don't get out the way. 

So get out the way! 

Get quiet, sit, breathe, feel and listen. He'll show up! 

2. Get in your Word. 

This is something I am working on myself. We have all the tools we need to get connected to God by simply reading our Bibles. I used to feel like it needed to be a perfect time to read my Word, but I realized it didn't matter what was going on around me; I just needed do it. If we aren't purposeful about reading God's word and applying it to our lives, we give the enemy freedom to be purposeful in attacking us with his plots and schemes. 

3. Keep the faith 

Or should I say, re-ignite your faith. In this time, many are afraid and are worried about the upkeep of their current lifestyles. Some are already affected. This is the time - more than ever to be rooted and grounded in faith. The Bible states that faith comes by HEARING and hearing by the WORD OF GOD. God has this crazy way of connecting the dots, often times He just wants us to submit to His plans... Which requires faith. that comes by hearing the word God. Can't do that if you don't read it... Get the picture? ;) 

This isn't the typical response to COVID-19, but, hey, we got time! 

I said all of that to say, make good use of the time you have right now and be mindful of when you are doing things FOR God but not WITH Him. 

Why not start today? 

God we thank you for this time of realignment. Thank you for the opportunity to spend time in your presence. We ask that during this time that You develop a hunger in us that only you can fill. May we never get so consumed with the things you've blessed us with that we lose sight of the one who gave it to us. Re-ignite our faith in you and give us peace in knowing that You have given us everything we need in this season. We love you. 

Amen.

Talk to you soon, Promise! 

-Bri <3

3 Years Down...: Understanding the Value of the Call

Today My SHE Journal turns 3, and to be completely honest, I still have NO idea what I am doing. When God placed it on my heart to do a blog, I underestimated the importance of the call. I knew there would be days where I wouldn't have anything to say, or had writers block, or just simply didn't have the energy to write what I was thinking. BUT boy! This has been a journey! I kept telling myself  and anyone who asked about the blog that I just didn't have anything to say, but in reality, I didn't think I wanted the responsibility that came with accepting the call God gave me 3 years ago. I was having such a hard time expressing my insecurities on paper this morning for this post that I had to ask for prayer. Being a follower of Christ, we have to know that the responsibility of a calling is going to come whether we want it to or not. 

Last year on my blog-a-versary, I wrote about this journey of being obedient not always being glamorous and that I had a hard time understanding why it was so difficult to stay focused on my purpose when life kept dropping plot twist after plot twist. Then here we are, one year later understanding the value of the call. Ain't gonna lie to y'all, everything is changing... My views on life, relationships, crafts, even church! But, what I am grateful for is that it is becoming more clear for me than it ever has in my life! 

I used to want the most perfect blog post; the ones with solutions at the end of them. You know, the ones that made it "worth reading" because who wants to read something that doesn't add value to what you're gong through, right? I don't! BUT, what I am slowly coming to realize that God is allowing our stories to be unfolded just how He wants them--- and in PEN. See, the cool part about having a God like ours is that when He gives us a purpose and assignment, he orchestrates it perfectly and to where we don't have a choice but to benefit when we do it according to His plan. BUT the crazy part about having a God like ours is that when we move out of alignment with His purpose for our lives, He will politely move us out the way. What has God had to skip us over for? He doesn't offer us white out to put what we want in our stories; there is no eraser available. When he gives us an assignment, there are NO take backs! He always win! 

Knowing that, I quickly came to the realization that I had delayed so many things God may have wanted to bless me with because I kept asking Him for white out and re-creating the narrative for my life. (Y'all know this means that I wasn't always including Him in my plans right?) How many of us are looking at our lives, bank accounts, relationships, and many other things asking God "Dude, what are you doing?" when in reality, we only have ourselves to blame because we left a job incomplete. And that could be for various reasons... I can't begin to tell you all how much I could've possibly missed out on because I felt like I didn't have the right resources, didn't know the right "people", didn't have enough money, etc.. This is what is keeping many of us from fulfilling our purpose. When we understand the value of our call, we have to know that it is something only we can do and God graced us to do just that. 

So, I have no choice but to answer the call. I have no choice but to talk about God's goodness in my life, and as I continue to understand the true value of what He's called me to and what He's yet to call me to, my only prayer is that you continue to ride the wave with me. 

3 years down.... Time to get to work!

-Bri <3

Dear God, 

Thank you! You are mad dope and simply for that, I thank you! Thank you for the call to this blog. May it forever be a reflection of what you have done for me!  3 years down, and I couldn't have done any of it without you! Let's see what You have planned for this year! I'm just as excited to see as everyone else! I love you forever! 

Amen 

The Fight of Frustration

Yeah, it’s a new year or whatever! And I don’t have that confidence like everybody else. It skipped me! I’m high key just here. Going with the flow of life. And it’s throwing me everywhere!!!! Let me just start this post by saying this is the most free I’ve been in my adult life though... like ever! Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy it, but there’s this other side of me that literally doesn’t know how to breathe without a “plan” or somewhat of one. I sat in my bed for two hours trying to take a nap to get rid of the killer headache I had and to also calm down because for once I acknowledged today that I am frustrated and I have no more fight left in me. 

To be very honest, I’m pretty relieved to say the very least. Being frustrated is normal. And for once, I actually feel human.  No anxiety, no heart palpitations (I’m being a tad dramatic) no crazy stomach or headache.... just a normal expression of feelings. And my my my I felt a bunch of them today! 

 I wrote a post a couple months back stating that for the rest of 2018, I wasn’t going to be overly focused on what my “plans” were and that I was going to just go with what God has for next.... 
Let’s talk about it why don’t we. 
Since that post, I’ve excelled tremendously, failed even more, experienced things I didn’t even know I could experience, and yet I’m still here trying to figure out the lesson in all of it. 

I finally started to figure out my way academically, finished my classes, and BOOM, a big huge bill was mailed to me! Pushing me back another semester because I had NO idea how I was going to pay my unknown outstanding balance with my school. Worked extremely hard at a job that I HATED!!! I finally got accepted for a promotion, and BOOM, lose that job the following week. Nothing overly devastating! I’m good (I hope lol) Lifestyle change for sure because I have never been this broke! Needless to say, at that point, I just assumed God was trying to tell me that He was needing more of my time... COOL! Let’s rock it out together, Lord! Because You got me, right?! The beauty about having a God like ours is that NOT once has He allowed me to go without... BUT the most frustrating thing about having a God like ours is that, He surely does get silent when you’re in a bind. 

Here I am, 24, degree obtained, not in school, no job, literally 
living paycheck to paycheck, hundreds of job applications
 submitted to every place you could think of. Talented in so many areas I honestly scare myself. Waking up with dream after dream, setting new goals without the resources to line up. Finally back in church too! Hungry to get to my destiny, and excited to see when God is going to open that door. 

It’s like I’ve lived this cookie cutter life for so long, and now God wants to switch it all up. All I’ve ever known was the plan. Go to private school, be a Girl Scout, dance on infinity and one dance teams, be active in church, get straight A’s, make the right friends, get accepted into a great high school, make the GPA for college, date the right guy, get accepted into college, graduate in two years, join the right sorority, stay involved in church, move back home and get the perfect job, pay bills on time, get my credit score to 750, try not to spend too much money, gain too much weight, or hang out with the wrong people. Make time for a social life, but spend 40 hours a week at a job you hate. Come home and try to make time for your goals. Dream big, but only big enough for “them” to see it too! You right God... I’m TIRED! 

He didn’t tell me I would have so many detours and that my life would come to a complete stop at this very moment...

What do you do when your life isn’t matching up to His promises? Move on faith, or be still until you get directions for your “now” situation? For once in my entire life, I don’t have a plan, an expectation, not even a New Year’s resolution. I wake up every morning and ask God to give me purpose to make my day as productive as possible, give me favor to keep paying these bills on time (baby, they don’t STOP) and the ability to see myself the way that He sees me! These last 6 months have been NO JOKE! And God continues to stretch me. I find it so much easier to just rest in knowing that when God decides to come through for the kid, it’ll be swift and perfect! 

So, maybe I’m not frustrated.
Maybe I am just experiencing growing pains. Maybe I am exactly where God needs me to be so that when He does His thing, I’d know for sure I had nothing to do with it! I know that in due time His promises to me will be in earthly form and I will be able to say I finally let go so that He could fully step in.